Finding My Way Through The Fog- by Ingrid Nazar

Over the past three years I have taken up the sport of snowboarding. No simple feat at the age of almost 50 but one of the most rewarding for me in more ways than I can ever relay. I did and still do fall on my butt more than I care to admit and I have often looked extremely foolish as I tackle again being the novice without a clue. I do continue to improve however, albeit slowly in my opinion but I give myself credit for facing my fears over and over and over again.

Initially I took myself out at night after a fresh snowfall and climbed the toboggan hill at the schoolyard across from where I lived. I started small and worked my way up, literally, there was no chair lift on that hill lol.  I loved those nights, I'd often go up late at night when everything was quiet and the snow fell softly and up and down the toboggan hill I'd go until well after midnight. The moonlight and the stillness was exactly what I needed at that time in my life and once again I was not only a novice but a child.  A magical child connected to the moon, the stars, the stillness and my joy.  That period although lovely did not last however as I outgrew it and phased to the next stage in my development. The next level was a slightly bigger hill, this time one with a chair lift, which was nice. Still the beginner hill however but big enough to present me with more of a challenge and when I picked up too much speed I'd often feel afraid and fall down. What was interesting for me to notice however was that even when I knew that my abilities had improved and technically I had the skill under my belt if my confidence was lacking or in short supply once again I would land on my butt. My ego was bruised as well in the fall so I really needed to get over that too, I wasn't impressing anyone as toddlers whizzed past me fearless and full off themselves. My big aha was to recognize how much I could learn about myself in the process. A lack of confidence or even a split second of indecisiveness could take me down. Inevitably when I was scared I would lean further back (back away) lose my balance and crash. Many times in fact it was an out and out bail when things got moving too fast for my comfort zone I would actually force my own crash, in effect stall my momentum. I would often feel defeated and discouraged but I would always get back up again and try again, I was tireless and always there until the last run of the day. Time seemed nonexistent as my focus was so intent on my play that other thoughts seemed to vanish, all of my attention was with myself, the mountain and my board. 

What I learned was that conditions were always changing, somedays the snow was forgiving and my board carved easily and I felt pretty good about my progress and other days the hill was ice covered and much more difficult and I felt I hadn't improved at all. I really could not judge my progress on any kind of a scale because on any given day my skill was different. What I gained however on pretty much every day was the most incredible feeling of freedom and joy and exhilaration of reaching new heights and facing my fears. I got to experience the most incredible vistas that would take my breath away and experience the bliss of the momentum of motion that made me groove in body, mind and soul. Always with my earbuds in the music felt like my own personal soundtrack and accompaniment to the movie of my action hero self. Quite invigorating and hugely empowering to say the least.

 So I have been flying high and enjoying the fruits of my efforts until low and behold as of late conditions on the mountain began to  provide me with new challenges. Mainly dense fog and white out blowing snow at the top of a higher mountain have left me feeling blind and helpless to move forward without the safety of knowing exactly where it is that I'm going. I have experienced vertigo, not knowing which way was up or down and even veered off course in a snowstorm feeling completely lost. With no one else in sight and my cell phone dead from the intense cold I found myself alone and yes scared.

You may have guessed by now that my pastimes parallel my life circumstances. I admit I absolutely feel myself again to be in a transitionary stage in my life. Most transition stages in the past I have been blessed with really clear counsel but this time is different. This time, by my own design, I have been determined to find my own way. Faith has become the big game changer for me and not only faith in myself but faith in something bigger than myself. I have become still and have really listened and watched the signs like a hawk. Just like on top of that mountain I searched for a sign post and low and behold there it would be, one and then another and then another and I just knew I could do it no matter how hard or scary it seemed. So what have I learned? At transitionary times in your life the path does get foggy and the ground underneath your feet will feel unsure but this is because you are developing a new sense, one that emerges from a more subtle sense that lies deeper within. So next time the way seems unclear and the rug seems to get pulled out from beneath you take it as a sign, you may just have learned how to let go and ride that magic carpet ride, scary but fun and who knows where it will take you if you just let it.